Not doing so well.
It’s been about a month since my last post. I’ve struggled the past month with any motivation to do anything including this blog. Now, I’m either going hypomanic or mixed. I am extremely irritable and confrontational. This is not good for work. Normally, I’m a pretty professional dude at work when it’s down to business. But, lately, I feel almost a sense of paranoia that causes me to feel people are either setting me up for failure, trying to make me quit, or just trying to take my job. I had that feeling today in a meeting and confronted a co-worker in a meeting. A third party that I still trust told me later that he didn’t see the confrontational posturing that I played back in my mind. It’s getting tougher and tougher to tell what’s real and what’s a skewed chemical imbalance perception. It’s taking longer and longer to calm down now. I don’t think my wife is very happy with me right now. I’m very short and cold with her one minute… and nice when I realize what I’m doing. It must be annoying to say the least. The good news is that I finally did get an appointment with a doctor. The bad news is that it isn’t until mid August. Just have to hang on for three months. No impulsive decisions; no life changing changes.
Sweet Relief
I had a fantastic night of sleep last night. I managed to fall alseep by one in the morning. I’m doing pretty damn well. In fact I’ve been doing well for more than a couple of years now. This stretch has had me questioning my diagnosis for a while. But, I’ve never gone more than a couple days before realizing the doctors had it right. And, for a sobering reality check, I just need to think back to a few more years. It was during that time that my world was ripped apart with my own two hands. Thoughtless actions, impulses, and reactions set into motion a series of events that would hurt a lot of people and put me back at square one with my own life. But, like I said, I’ve been doing well. And I don’t think I can take all the credit for that. My wife has been supportive with the couple bumps in the road I’ve hit. Her first husband was an alcoholic diagnosed with Bipolar ( how can you diagnose a drunk alcoholic with a mental illness when the behavior patterns are simliar?) so she is pretty well educated on the topic. But, I’ve been doing so well the past couple years that I always worry she won’t want to deal with any of the drama if I experience a really deep depression or full blown manic episode. So, I’m looking for a new doctor now. I believe I’m in a depression and have experienced several hypomanic episodes this past year. I started up more projects at work than I could keep pace with. Top that off with anxiety over meeting the deadlines I had a direct hand in setting. Insult to injury. What’s also interesting is that I’ve experienced some significant weight gain and the migrain headaches are back. Deja Vu.
Sleepless
I know it’s moving in the wrong direction when I’m having to drug myself to sleep. Unfortunately, I’m already building up a tolerence for Nyquil so it’s getting harder and harder to sleep. Until I can get into a doctor though, that’s the best solution I’ve got. But, if I don’t force myself to sleep then I’m just begging for a hypomanic episode at best. As tempting as that seems right now, it just isn’t best for long term interests. It’s too easy to slide into raw mania where pain, suffering, and irreperable damage are born. I’m definitely feeling depressed right now. I don’t know what will make me feel the way I would like to feel. I have mixed feelings regarding the use of medication. But, that’s why I’m trying to see a doctor who is a D.O. instead of a M.D. I’m hoping the whole person healing approach will work better for me. Personally, there is only one drug that doesn’t make me cringe based on past experiences. That’s another topic for another day.
What a pain in the ass.
I forgot what a pain in the ass it is to actually get help. I made several phone calls as I worked my way down the list of approved psychiatrists posted on my health insurance company’s website. The first was not accepting new patients. The second could see me in seven to eight weeks at the earliest. The third only dealt with children. The remaining doctors accepted new adult patients but, again, could only book an appointment several weeks from now. So, resigned to a mandatory waiting period and called back the second doctor. They asked if I could be transferred to another person so that I could do a new patient intake over the phone. This seemed reasonable. I agreed. After answering all the questions with as much detail as I could recall, it was explained to me that this information would now be presented to the doctor. The office would get back to me to advise me if I was accepted. IF I WAS ACCEPTED? Are you fricking kidding me? Does the doctor filter out the hard cases? Is he worried that it will cut into his golf lessons? I wish I could filter all of my work assignments at the office. I am functioning at a very high level right now. This was not always so. And looking back on it, it’s a miracle I was able to get assistance without needing admitted to a hospital through the emergency room. I hope I get booked for an appointment soon.